How to handle (negative) feedback?

There has already been so much written about the topic of feedback. In fact, there seems to be a constant debate. How feedback should be given, received and how often it should be given etc.

So, instead of writing about the different approaches you can utilize when giving feedback, I will focus on what feedback in my opinion is, and why it has such a strong power over us. This topic should be of particular importance to women, who in my experience, often struggle in the face of negative feedback.

It is perhaps not surprising to hear the findings in a study by IE Business School professor Margarita Mayo. That women respond differently to negative feedback vs. men. When women receive negative feedback in the workplace, this can have a negative impact on their self-worth, whereas according to the research, it doesn’t affect men quite as much.

As a woman working in sales, giving/receiving feedback is something which is part of my daily work. However, I must say I do relate to the findings in the research I touched on above.

There have been countless times when I received feedback and instead of looking at it objectively, I would take it much too personally. One of the most recent situations I had made me think once again about this topic.

And then, quite by chance, I read a quite revolutionary statement about feedback which completely changed my perception. As it helped me, I decided to share this here as well in the hope that it might help someone else too.

But before we look at that, let’s take one step back.

Let’s start with the obvious. You have probably noticed that when you usually receive some positive comment you feel extremely good about yourself. Conversely, when you receive some negative comment, you feel bad and begin to feel consumed with self-doubt and negative thoughts.

Far too often, negative feedback is unfortunately way more powerful and harmful than positive feedback. If I receive some positive feedback ten times and some negative feedback one time, I dwell upon this one negative experience and almost completely ignore the positive feedback.

Furthermore, I recently had the situation. I first received positive feedback and then a week later, the same person gave me negative feedback. Interestingly enough, after I received bad feedback, I found myself falling into the negative feedback trap.

I began obsessing about the negative words. Furthermore, I would completely ignore the fact that I had got much more positive feedback than negative from this person. So, I started thinking more about this topic and tried to change this mindset.

Here is what I found out about feedback:

Firstly, here is the revolutionary quote I referred to earlier: “Positive and negative feedback are not that different – only your reaction is different”.

At first, it was difficult to grasp the meaning of this. I was skeptical – how can my boss telling me that I’d done a great job be in any way comparable to him saying that I could do a better job?

But after I read this statement multiple times, it started to sink in. When you receive positive feedback, you feel good and when you receive negative feedback you feel bad. So, the underlying and fixed variable here is YOU.

Your reaction is within you and not within the person who is giving you feedback. But far too often, we give the power over our feelings to others. This means, if someone says something “bad” about us we feel angry, sad, disappointed and if they say a “good” thing, we feel happy, satisfied, powerful.

Furthermore, the main issue is when we look at feedback as a definition of ourself (e.g. I am this negative opinion) instead of being aware that feedback is just an opinion of another person and it has nothing to do with our identity of who we are.

Another important thing to bear in mind is that we don’t have full control over other people’s opinions.

So, instead of determining how we feel based on what others say, we should keep the power of how we feel within ourselves. This is often easier said than done.

Especially, because how we feel about negative comment is often related to our own self-esteem. If this is low, receiving negative feedback can accelerate self-doubt.

So, for me personally, I started to use feedback as an indicator of determining how high/low my self-esteem is.

Now, when I receive comment I do not like or feedback that I love, and this triggers some extreme feelings within me, I am now more aware of the fact that it doesn’t have to do anything with the person who gave me the feedback, but rather my own state of mind. I use it as an opportunity to start exploring why I attached so many strong feelings to this feedback.

Also, the reality is, we will never have complete control over what others will say or think about our work, our life, our personality etc. but we do have control over how we are going to feel once we hear positive or negative things about ourselves and this can be influenced by knowing our own value and worth.

How am I applying this ​​​​​​​to my work/life?

I am now aware that feedback tells me about the person who is giving me feedback. It tells me how this person perceives my work. For a better understanding, let’s take a look at a specific example.

The boss comes to you and tells you that your presentation was boring, and you should improve your presentation skills. Now, instead of going into self-defense mode or self-doubt, try to objectively analyze this.

Does this mean you are now a boring person because your boss said your presentation was boring? No, it doesn’t. It just means that your boss perceived your presentation as boring. But believe it or not, maybe for someone else, the same work would be amazing and interesting.

From my own experience, I can tell you that for the same presentation, I would get at least 10 different opinions. And in the past, I would always attach and dwell on the negative comment more than celebrate the positive comment.

But today, thanks to the learnings I have about it, I keep my feelings around negative comment neutral but at the same time keep an open mind on how I can improve.

In the particular example I touched on above, I would try to get more concrete assessment from the boss.

Why did he think the presentation was boring? What could be improved next time? What did he think was good about the presentation?

Once concrete feedback is given, you will then know what tweaks you should make next time you present to your boss, so you get his full attention while presenting.

So, whenever you get the comment you do not like, ask yourself:

1. Is the person who gave the feedback important in my life (should I care about this it)

2. If the answer is yes (e.g. if this is your boss) try to get concrete assessment, so you know what you could improve in the future.

Also, remember the only thing feedback tells you is about what works or doesn’t work for a particular person. The feedback will give you learnings about other people’s views and what you should do/change if you want to reach them and get their attention.

So, basically it will give you an insight into the perspective of other people and different ways to reach out to them in a way which is tailored to their perspective.

Also, I want to be clear that even with all the awareness I have around feedback, I still occasionally find myself in situations where negative comment gets to me.

However, what I have definitely improved on is the time I spend thinking about it. In the past, it would consume me for days, but now, I might think about it for an hour or two and occasionally, not at all.

We are all human, so to expect we suddenly won’t have negative feelings when we hear bad comments is, in most cases, not really reasonable. But at the same time, hold yourself accountable to your feelings and don’t dwell on things for too long.

Let me know your thoughts as well as any other tips you may have on handling feedback!