Mistakes – the inevitable “evil”

Nowadays, more than ever, focus is on the fact that mistakes are part of success. In fact, you have probably heard many successful people saying that mistakes were part and are still part of their success.

So, why do we then feel bad every time we make mistakes – even though today we are aware that mistakes are an inevitable part of life?

I think this is linked to our perception and how we were taught. If we just look at the school system, e.g. our primary school, we get taught: what we can do and what we cannot do and what we shouldn’t do.

In fact, school is probably the first time when we are faced with some sort of division. In school, we learn that there are smart kids who always get good grades, there are average kids, who are somewhere in the middle and then there are below  average kids who are often seen as failures.

If we are being honest with ourselves , everyone wants to be the smartest kid and most of us were encouraged to learn and get good grades to belong to this group.

So, already at a young age, we are  taught that if we don’t get good grades and if we are not among the smartest kids, this is going to really set us back. This  usually means we won’t get into a good university and then we won’t get a good job, we won’t earn good money, etc..

Furthermore, from a parent’s perspective, most parents have some rules and expectations for  their kids.  What normally happens when kids make mistakes (e.g. when they get a bad grade, came home an hour late, etc)? Well, in most cases,  kids get punished.

And don’t get me wrong – most parents do this with good intentions  and having these rules and expectations often also has a good impact.

But, because as a kid we were punished for mistakes and taught that this is something bad, as  adults we have started to perceive mistakes as a bad thing and now we try to avoid them at all costs.  Furthermore, we take this philosophy with us into the workplace too.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

This famous question was mentioned in an interview with Sheryl Sandberg and is commonly cited as a question that they ask at Facebook.

I think the reason for  asking this question is because we are often too afraid of making mistakes and this fear then holds us back from trying something new or taking risks.

For example, I recently had a situation where one of my friends made a pretty big but ordinary mistake at work and seeing how she felt and obsessed about it, reminded me of my own mistakes and how  every time I would make a mistake, I would often feel the same as she did.

Now, usually when we are stressed and constantly having negative thoughts, we can’t really objectively assess how bad it is and this accelerates our anxiety. So, looking at her and how she was overthinking and overreacting about this mistake made me realize that I often behave the same way. For that reason, I became curious and wanted to know why we still feel so overwhelmed by mistakes and what can we do to judge ourselves less harshly for mistakes?

Females in the workplace worry about mistakes more than man

According to a Nyenrode Business University and IE University survey: 46% of women worried compared to 33% of men, indicating that women worry more than men about making mistakes in the workplace.

These findings do not surprise me…

I do not know about other women, but I can definitely relate to this research. It often seems that when men make mistakes, they are just fine with it – they don’t overthink or overreact. They just accept it and move on. Whereas women tend to dwell on these mistakes for weeks if not for months.

I know from my own experiences that sometimes, even when I make a small mistake, I would still be talking  about it with my friends weeks later. However, diving into this topic helped me to learn that I need to give myself permission to make mistakes and when it’s a big mistake, I need to accept it, learn something from it and move on.

So, what can we do?

Acceptance

As already mentioned, – let’s give ourself permission to make mistakes. Furthermore, lets accept the fact that when we make a mistake, we are probably going to feel bad. As already explained, this is because we were taught at a young age that this is how we should feel.

The reality is that changing our perception won’t happen overnight. What is important, is to have a will to want to change the perception we have on mistakes. So, accepting the fact that there are no quick fixes but that there is a way of treating myself better when a mistake is made,  helped me.

Try to remember what happened in your head the last time you made a mistake.

Probably, you were faced with fears and thoughts such as: Oh my, I am going to look a complete fool and everyone will think I am stupid, etc… So, this tells us that when we made a mistake, we are often afraid of other people’s reactions to our mistakes.

According to an  article on Forbes: “Most women do not fear a bad mark or a financial loss. What they fear is the disapproval that comes from having made a bad decision“. 

The interesting findings I learned reading article are that our fear of disapproval is somehow related to the implicit fears. According to the Forbes’s article: “Our implicit fears go back to our very early experiences and are often inaccessible to rational thought or analysis. Implicit fears are far more about rejection than they are about failure, and women are highly sensitive to them, thanks to a relational nature that is part of their biological inheritance”.

So, after this, I got a better understanding of my overreaction when mistakes happen. I started to explore what could we do to diminish the fear of mistakes, as well as the associated anxiety about making them. We know that in most cases, when a mistake is made, we worry about how this will be seen among our colleagues, friends, etc…

But what other people think about us is not our business! Every time I make a mistake I remind myself that the only important thing is what I think about myself and how I treat myself when the mistake was made.

Like it or not, you will not be able to change how your boss or colleague will treat you when you make a mistake, but you can change how you will treat yourself. What are you going to say to yourself when a mistake is made? This matters more than you could imagine. We mustn’t forget that we are all  human and as long as we are alive, mistakes will be an inevitable part of our lives.

Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself

Let’s face it, if the damage caused by your mistakes is big then of course it is going to be very difficult to give yourself forgiveness or to even think that you deserve  compassion. Interestingly, women often think we are acting irresponsibly if we don’t dwell upon our mistakes. However, let me ask you something:

Is it reasonable to risk your own well-being by overreacting, overthinking and beating yourself up and therefore  increasing your anxiety for a mistake?

Also, remember there will be enough other people who will criticize you. So, no need to criticize yourself for the mistake, beyond what is considered reasonable.

Self-compassion and kindness help me when I make a mistake

Now, instead of becoming a fierce self-critic, I acknowledge that I have made a mistake, as I am only a human and I accept the consequence it will have and if possible, I will mitigate the risk of it happening again. More importantly, I try to see if I can learn anything from this mistake.

Furthermore, I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and the world won’t end because of my mistake. What also helps me is to think of situations where I did a good job and remind myself that there are more situations where I performed really well than badly.

So, today I try to forgive myself for making mistakes and no matter what others may say, I try to move on as quickly as possible. The emphasis is on trying – because, of course there are days where I really quickly forgive myself but then there are still days where I dwell upon these mistakes.

But, as with everything in life, practice makes perfect and I believe this applies here as well. Hence why I will keep on trying to have more self-compassion and understanding when I make a mistake.